No Matter How Hard I Try
by BendyStrawBunny
Summary: A one-shot fic featuring a very angsty Harry dealing with his grief and the aggravating helplessness that comes with being stuck on Privet Drive. Rated PG13 for Harry's potty mouth. ;)


Note: This was for Inspiration's ) 3rd fic challenge! This time the challenge was that you had to start your fic with the sentence: "There are things that cannot be undone, no matter how hard one tries." It made me think of Sirius' death and so I wrote this super angst-ridden just Harry fic. Y'all have fun with it now.   
  
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_"There are things that cannot be undone, no matter how hard one tries."_  
  
Harry crumbled up the letter in his fist and threw it across the room, where it bounced off the wall and fell to the floor several feet away from the trash can.  
  
He fell backwards onto his bed and lay still, staring at the ceiling of his small bedroom in Number 4 Privet Drive, where he was stuck, yet again, for the summer.   
  
Was that letter supposed to make him feel better? Did they really think some self-righteous, full of wisdom bullshit sentence would take away all the pain and make everything peachy again?  
  
Well, gee Dumbledore, your inspirational letter just lifted the clouds away and I can go back to normal now. Thank you ever so much!  
  
He balled his hands into fists again, only half-knowing that the letter lay on the other side of the room.   
  
The old man had already layered his crap on him, that first night, right after it had happened. He was so full of explanations and pity and everything else he had thought Harry needed.   
  
But none of it mattered.   
  
Because none of it brought Sirius back.   
  
Harry screwed up his eyes, willing himself not to cry. He was almost 16 freaking years old now, he shouldn't need to cry all the damn time.   
  
He gave a long sigh and tried to release the tension in his body. He let his hands open and relaxed his shoulders. He turned his head to one side and squinted in the darkness, in an effort to see the face of his bedside clock.   
  
It was 3:30 AM.   
  
Harry let out another sigh and turned to face the ceiling once more. Without bothering to change his clothes, or take off his glasses he feel asleep, praying that he would have a dream-less rest.   
  
_A large cloaked feature towered in front of Harry, breathing slowly and raggedly. He could feel its cold breath wash over him like ice.   
  
Harry backed away from the creature, and tried to look away but found himself unable to pry his eyes off the two bundles in its hands.   
  
"Do you want to know what these are?" the monster roared, the sound echoing all around Harry's head.   
  
Harry's mouth opened, but no words came out. He shook his head violently, with his eyes still staring transfixed.   
  
The creature tilted his head back and let out a booming laugh as it crept ever closer to Harry.   
  
Harry quickened his pace.   
  
"Oh Harry... why do you run? You know it does not matter, I will get you.. in the end."  
  
At this precise moment Harry felt his back ram into something cold and hard. He whipped around and found himself staring at a giant tombstone.  
  
Harry's eyes widened in horror as the names on the stone came into focus: Cedric Diggory and Sirius Black.  
  
Harry took a step back and shut his eyes tightly, his hands covering his face. "No..." he whispered. "No..."   
  
"Oh yes..." the creature snarled and Harry felt his body spin around and his hands be pulled away from his eyes violently.   
  
"And we know whose fault their death is.. don't we?" The creature lowered the bundles in it's hands and slowly started to unravel the cloth.   
  
"No..." Harry repeated, shaking his head slowly. "No.. please... don't..."  
  
The creature merely laughed, and ripped the rest of the cloth off of the bundles.   
  
A bolt of lightning flashed and illuminated the pale faces of Cedric and Sirius, whose bodies lay limp on the grass between Harry and the creature.  
  
"NO!"  
  
Harry fell to his knees and covered his ears, trying to block out the sound of the creature's hideous laughing.   
  
"IT'S NOT MY FAULT! I SWEAR... SIRIUS! CEDRIC!"  
_  
Harry awoke to find himself sitting upright in his bed, his hands covering his face. He was panting and he could feel hot tears streaming down his cheeks.   
  
He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and noticed a figure standing in his doorway. For a brief moment his heart stopped, but as he hastily shoved his glass on he realized it was only his Uncle Vernon whose was staring at Harry like he was the craziest nut he had ever seen.   
  
"Whose Sirius Cedric? And why were you bloody screaming 'bout him all night, boy?"  
  
Harry gritted his teeth, knowing that if he said what he wanted to he'd be grounded for the rest of the summer.   
  
Vernon glared at him and with a look of deep disgust he said, "I just wanted to tell you, I'm having company over and I want you no where near this house when they are, so there will be absolutely no chance of.. exploding puddings.. or any of your damn rubbish. So get out. Now. And make yourself look somewhat decent before you go out."  
  
Harry didn't even care enough to argue. He grabbed the door and said quickly, "Fine. I will. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to change in privacy. Heaven forbid the neighbors see a member of your family wearing the same clothes two days in a row." and slammed the door in his uncle's face.   
  
He tore off his outfit and pulled on the first two things that his hand reached when he groped around in his closet.   
  
In his newly acquired green plaid shirt and torn jeans he marched down the stairs and out the back door ignoring both his aunt and cousin and the untoasted bread laying limply on a plate that his family had left out for his breakfast.  
  
Harry stormed down the street, his heart beating madly. He didn't know why he had gotten so angry this time, Vernon pulled shit like this on him all the time, why was it such a big deal today?  
  
But part of him knew why. Vernon had mentioned Sirius.. Harry's face burned red. How dare that pig talk about him so casually... like he was nothing.. when he didn't know... he would never know...  
  
He reached the start of an alley-way, and something made him stop cold.   
  
There, at the end of the alley, between two garbage cans was a large black dog, like a bear. It was staring straight at Harry, its eyes boring right into his own.   
  
Everything else in Harry's mind was wiped blank as a rush of relief and joy bigger then Harry had ever felt tore through his body. Still in his blind ecstasy, Harry took a step towards the dog. "Siri--"  
  
And it growled at him, its sharp teeth bared. It barked loudly at Harry and run away, out of the alley.   
  
Harry's joy left him just as quickly as it had came, leaving him feeling horribly deflated.   
  
He leaned against the grime-covered wall of the alley and sank down.  
  
He had been so sure.. so sure that Sirius was there... It sounded stupid now, but just a few seconds ago.. it had felt so real..  
  
He did not try to stem the tears this time. He needed to cry, and he didn't care how old he was, or who saw. All he cared about was the realization that Sirius wasn't coming back.. no matter how hard he tried.. or prayed.. or hoped. He was gone, and there was nothing he could do about it.   
  
He had no idea how long he had sat there when he heard the flapping of wings, and the soft thud of the envelop that landed in front of him.   
  
He reached out for the letter absentmindedly and opened it, somewhat in a daze, his mind numb from his grief.   
  
"He would have wanted you to move on."  
  
Harry didn't crumble up this letter, he let it sit in the palm of his hand, as the wind blowing through the alley dried the tears on his face.   
  
**The End. **


End file.
